Stanzas For Vikram Seth

This week's Sunday Guardian column.

Reflections on the recent Vikram Seth-Penguin Random House imbroglio -- in Pushkin sonnets, a form that Seth has had some success with.

A writer's life is hard they say

The words they come, the words they go

Scribble, scribble, every day

The reading public doesn't know

The toil and stress behind each line

The time it takes to make it shine

There's no accounting for the Muse

Some even turn to pills and booze

The daily grind can get too much

Hours fly by without a page

The writer's room can be a cage

A dungeon or a rabbit hutch

That's why when faced with a schedule

You shake your head, you break the rule

 Publishers on the other hand

Follow dates and calendars

Deadlines are theirs to command

Objections kicked aside like curs

Your stammering and stuttering

Will not accomplish a thing

Profit, not loss, is their goal

It isn't that they have no soul

Their hands are tied, they face a block

It’s elementary, you see

It's all about double entry

That's why your schedule they will stalk

The House of Penguin Random

It cares about your fandom

 Be it a girl, be it a boy

Suitable or otherwise

Be it May, June or July

Meet the deadline, come, be wise

Recall the contract that you signed

Break it now and you’ll be fined

In this race you can’t be sick

They want you to be prolific

Roll that boulder up that hill

Think of the Booker and the fame

All yours if you play the game

Think of Oates, Joyce Carol

Buck up now that’s what we say

Think of Faulkner or Hemingway

 The libretto will have to wait

Start that novel once again

Otherwise, get this straight

No more toasts with champagne

There is a way, mark my words

Don’t proceed by halves and thirds

Look them in the eye and say

You’re working on more Shades of Grey

That will earn you a second chance

 In front of you they'll start to melt

And that will be your lifebelt

To ask them for the next advance

Lean back now, gloat awhile

Their throats are yours, Saatchi-style